The Opening Social
Written around January 21st 2004.
THE OPENING SOCIAL
Time: 6:40 p.m. Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Place: Meet in Cinnamon Tree Lounge to go over to the Stadium Chapel
The Opening Social needs no explanation. Page 374 of Volume 17 of the 1922 Encyclopedia Brittanica states “an Opening Social serves the dual purpose of being both a Social for Opening as well as an Opening for Socials.” It is a Social for Opening, in that many things are often opened there—tupperware, tin cans, doors, bottles, Ziploc bags—if you can open something, bring it to the social, everywhere else you are chided and punished for opening things, and destroying the neat and tidy order of them. At the Opening Social, not only can you open things free of the thought of the pain that comes with it, but we actually encourage you to open them. That’s right, we will say “Please Open Your (General Openable Item)” and help you if you can’t do it yourself. Think of it as an Opening Lab, where highly skilled people called OPENERS will gladly help you open things for free.
The Opening Social is an Opening for Socials, in that with this social, all other socializing amongst each other is now legal. This means that all social engagements previous to The Opening Social are Illegal. (Don’t worry, everyone socializes illegally. It’s one of those laws that nobody follows, like speed limits, jaywalking, and driving the wrong way down a highway.) This is done because humans have a need to have an opening (beginning) and closing (ending) to all things. We just don’t feel right unless both a start and end are included. Without a start AND end we wind up thinking about Infinity. The concept of Infinity is so hazardous that only highly qualified mathematicians are allowed to think about it. There are even Infinity Licenses, which less than 0.00001% are qualified to have. One brash rebel thought he could do it, the poor fool, all his family warned him about the dangers!! He didn’t even sit down, just started thinking about it. The exact details of what happened to him aren’t pleasant, and he finally came out of thinking about it, but to this day he still thinks that the best movie ever made was “Attack of the Killer Cucumbers” along with the sequel “The Rise of the Peas and Lettuce: A Chopped Salad’s Revenge”. This is what will happen to you if you think about the concept of infinity. This is why we have The Opening Social—To prevent you from haphazardly thinking about infinity. So please, we beg of you, so that you and your loved ones might not fall prey to the dreaded horrors of The Infinity Concept:
“Come to…THE OPENING SOCIAL!!!”
THE OPENING SOCIAL
Time: 6:40 p.m. Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Place: Meet in Cinnamon Tree Lounge to go over to the Stadium Chapel
The Opening Social needs no explanation. Page 374 of Volume 17 of the 1922 Encyclopedia Brittanica states “an Opening Social serves the dual purpose of being both a Social for Opening as well as an Opening for Socials.” It is a Social for Opening, in that many things are often opened there—tupperware, tin cans, doors, bottles, Ziploc bags—if you can open something, bring it to the social, everywhere else you are chided and punished for opening things, and destroying the neat and tidy order of them. At the Opening Social, not only can you open things free of the thought of the pain that comes with it, but we actually encourage you to open them. That’s right, we will say “Please Open Your (General Openable Item)” and help you if you can’t do it yourself. Think of it as an Opening Lab, where highly skilled people called OPENERS will gladly help you open things for free.
The Opening Social is an Opening for Socials, in that with this social, all other socializing amongst each other is now legal. This means that all social engagements previous to The Opening Social are Illegal. (Don’t worry, everyone socializes illegally. It’s one of those laws that nobody follows, like speed limits, jaywalking, and driving the wrong way down a highway.) This is done because humans have a need to have an opening (beginning) and closing (ending) to all things. We just don’t feel right unless both a start and end are included. Without a start AND end we wind up thinking about Infinity. The concept of Infinity is so hazardous that only highly qualified mathematicians are allowed to think about it. There are even Infinity Licenses, which less than 0.00001% are qualified to have. One brash rebel thought he could do it, the poor fool, all his family warned him about the dangers!! He didn’t even sit down, just started thinking about it. The exact details of what happened to him aren’t pleasant, and he finally came out of thinking about it, but to this day he still thinks that the best movie ever made was “Attack of the Killer Cucumbers” along with the sequel “The Rise of the Peas and Lettuce: A Chopped Salad’s Revenge”. This is what will happen to you if you think about the concept of infinity. This is why we have The Opening Social—To prevent you from haphazardly thinking about infinity. So please, we beg of you, so that you and your loved ones might not fall prey to the dreaded horrors of The Infinity Concept:
“Come to…THE OPENING SOCIAL!!!”
posted by CT at 2:46 PM
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