The Opening Social

Written around January 21st 2004.

THE OPENING SOCIAL

Time: 6:40 p.m. Thursday, January 22nd, 2004
Place: Meet in Cinnamon Tree Lounge to go over to the Stadium Chapel

The Opening Social needs no explanation. Page 374 of Volume 17 of the 1922 Encyclopedia Brittanica states “an Opening Social serves the dual purpose of being both a Social for Opening as well as an Opening for Socials.” It is a Social for Opening, in that many things are often opened there—tupperware, tin cans, doors, bottles, Ziploc bags—if you can open something, bring it to the social, everywhere else you are chided and punished for opening things, and destroying the neat and tidy order of them. At the Opening Social, not only can you open things free of the thought of the pain that comes with it, but we actually encourage you to open them. That’s right, we will say “Please Open Your (General Openable Item)” and help you if you can’t do it yourself. Think of it as an Opening Lab, where highly skilled people called OPENERS will gladly help you open things for free.

The Opening Social is an Opening for Socials, in that with this social, all other socializing amongst each other is now legal. This means that all social engagements previous to The Opening Social are Illegal. (Don’t worry, everyone socializes illegally. It’s one of those laws that nobody follows, like speed limits, jaywalking, and driving the wrong way down a highway.) This is done because humans have a need to have an opening (beginning) and closing (ending) to all things. We just don’t feel right unless both a start and end are included. Without a start AND end we wind up thinking about Infinity. The concept of Infinity is so hazardous that only highly qualified mathematicians are allowed to think about it. There are even Infinity Licenses, which less than 0.00001% are qualified to have. One brash rebel thought he could do it, the poor fool, all his family warned him about the dangers!! He didn’t even sit down, just started thinking about it. The exact details of what happened to him aren’t pleasant, and he finally came out of thinking about it, but to this day he still thinks that the best movie ever made was “Attack of the Killer Cucumbers” along with the sequel “The Rise of the Peas and Lettuce: A Chopped Salad’s Revenge”. This is what will happen to you if you think about the concept of infinity. This is why we have The Opening Social—To prevent you from haphazardly thinking about infinity. So please, we beg of you, so that you and your loved ones might not fall prey to the dreaded horrors of The Infinity Concept:

“Come to…THE OPENING SOCIAL!!!”

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Sledding Saturday

The first flyer I ever wrote that you can consider to be "funny". Really this is how I got into writing at all - it was my church position to make up flyers for ward activities - they became goofier and goofier, and eventually became kind of a tradition. As far as I know most people like the flyers.


Sledding Saturday

Time: 11:00 a.m. Saturday, January 17th
Place: Cinnamon Tree Lounge
What to Wear: Lots of Layers of Clothing
Refreshments: hot beverages and snacks, lounge, 1:00 p.m.
Ideas for Sleds: If you do not have a sled, be creative. We taped trash bags to our upper bodies and arms and it worked well, and also kept us nice and toasty. Try other things too

Okay everyone, it is time for us to go out and enjoy the wonderful pleasantries that are only available this time of the year. “So”, you reply, ‘Yes, it is indeed time for the superbowl.” I’m not talking about the superbowl you ninnies!! There is more to winter than just professional football players going head to head, with a truly brilliant display of strategy, speed, strength, and agility. I’m talking about enjoying the wonders of mother nature, the marvelous fact that snow has much less friction than grass, and thus allows us to slide down it at wonderfully fun speeds, and yet it is also soft, and thus allows us to crash without causing much damage and pain to our physical bodies. It’s a wonderful sensation which cannot possibly be described here, and must be experienced in person in order to comprehend. Sledding began as a tribal rite of passage in the ancient land of Sweden. When young men came of age, they needed to prove their virility by wearing only a loincloth, and sliding down a 3 mile tall mountain on their back side in the middle of January. Those that were too fearful to do this were held in great contempt, banished from the tribe, and forced to live a nomadic existence for the rest of their lives. To celebrate this wonderful tradition, we will be doing similar things. Though we greatly care about preserving the integrity of this event, we will not be sliding down a 3 mile tall mountain, nor will anyone be wearing only loincloths. In place of a loincloth, please wear all of the following: pants, shirts, jackets, hats, and your choice of gloves or mittens. We look forward to seeing you there in celebration of this wonderful, extremely authentic and not at all made up cultural ritual!!

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