76th WARD TALENT SHOW

My one and only talent show flyer. After this one our ward started having only 'untalent' shows. We decided they were more fun than real talent shows :)

76th WARD TALENT SHOW
Where: Room 151 Tanner Building
When: 7:00 p.m. Friday April the 2nd
What: One Set of Refreshments To Be Brought Per Apartment
How: Call Paul in #46 to let him know you’re performing. If he’s not there, leave a message. Or if you go over to visit, leave a note on the white board.

Come one come all to the Amazing Fantastic Stupendous Magnificent 76th Ward Talent show. Talents of all kinds will be showcased. Unfortunately the lovely Molly Garfield will not be available to perform her world-renowned Elvis Impressions, and even though the rest of the talents in the ward pale in comparison, this show will still be absolutely smashing. Acts that have never been seen before nor will they ever be seen again shall be performed. I have no idea who or what is going to be shown, but all I know is that it will be good, darn it. One rumor I have heard is that there will be real unicorns and dragons, and also a strong man who can tear the Oxford English Dictionary in half with his bare hands. They are also currently working on a way to have a real live human being set on fire and dancing around throughout all of the other acts. There’s no chance of getting bored with the list of talents we have lined up. Trust me. I’ve seen the list – it would even impress Donald Trump.

One thing for certain is that there will be no lack of funny skits of one sort or another. If there’s one talent that abounds amongst those of the LDS culture, it’s the ability to perform funny skits to amuse others. At least in this ward we won’t have to worry about poor little kids forgetting lines for the skits and feeling embarrassed for doing so. I sympathize greatly with these kids. I was in skits for 7 consecutive years from age 9 to 15, and each time I forgot the one line I was supposed to say, “Hi! How are you?” Every time I got all the words in but screwed up the order by saying things like “How hi are you?” Finally my family banned me from performing skits. I’m sure that all the skits will be up to par this year, and everyone will remember their lines however. “How do I know this?” you ask. “Simple,” I respond. “I refused to participate in any skits.” Thus with all of the above talents and skits lined up, you’re sure to have fun. If you don’t have fun, you must be insane. Or maybe you must be sane? Whichever one you are, come to the talent show and you’re guaranteed to have a ball or double your money back. You can’t lose!!

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BARBEQUE & BAKE OFF!!

Hmm...no comments necessary for this one :) Read on for some fun.
BARBEQUE & BAKE OFF!!
When: High Noon on Saturday, March 27th, 2004
Where: 500 N. 500 W. in Provo
What: Competition of cooking skills to be held in three main categories: 1) Main Course 2) Side Dishes 3) Desserts $40 in prizes to be handed out for the winners. Various outdoor sports will also be participated in.

This lovely activity has been very long in the making, and very highly anticipated. Some people have even been preparing their whole lives for it. I know I have. I’ve been trying for 26 years to learn how to make Top Ramen correctly, and luckily in college life we get much time to practice. I think I’ve finally got it down, so much that I might even enter it into the contest under ‘main courses’.

Personally I think this will be a chance for Men to throw off the terrible shackle of the stereotype we’ve been given. You know what I mean—in all the comic strips and TV shows out there they show men burning breakfast. Men are left by themselves alone from their wives, and the kids end up going out to dinner every single night of the week. Or the dinner they’ve prepared is nothing but frozen waffles, cans of green beans, and some soup! Men, are you with me on this one? I’m sick and tired of this terrible social stigma that has been thrust on us for the sake of getting a few cheap laughs. Let’s show this world that we can cook by winning this contest!!

Ladies, I know that you’re grinning inside right now because you’re saying, “Yes, the men are stereotyped against in this case because it’s TRUE!!’ If that’s what you’re saying, and you truly believe it, bake your little hearts out and come to the contest ready and willing to destroy the men. I know this is supposed to be an impartial contest, the judges told me that it wasn’t gender oriented at all and that I shouldn’t pander to the baser instincts of society, but I say, let’s make this bake off more than just a bake off for the ward, let’s make it a bakeoff for the world!! More than just money is at stake here. Let this contest determine once and for all whether Men or Women are the better cooks. Genders—UNITE!!

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MOVIE NIGHT

Originally given out for consumption on Wednesday, March 3, 2004.
MOVIE NIGHT

When: 9:00 P.M., Thursday, March 4, 2004
Where: The Improved Cinnamon Tree Lounge

Welcome to the Weekly Activity for all you 76th Wardians!! Most activities usually involve us being active in some way – mentally, physically, etc. This week we are proud to present a wonderful fantastically Inactiveactivity for once: WATCHING A MOVIE!! For those of you lazy, slothful people out there, this is the perfect activity for you. There’s no more work involved than getting out of your apartment and walking down to the lounge to either sit in a nice comfortable chair, or laying around on the floor nestled right up next to that special person you like, or you can even sit in a chair nestled up to that special person you like. For those of you that don’t have a special person that you like, we have them available to rent for the evening, or you can snuggle up to a person you just semi-like, it’s up to you. Snuggling is not required, but it is both HIGHLY and STRONGLY encouraged.

The feature movie is entitled Secondhand Lions. I have yet to see this movie myself, but based on the title, it HAS to be a movie about people who make movies about lions, but are too poor to be able to afford a nice, first-hand lion. Instead they go for poor secondhand lions from other movies. Somehow they get a hold of The Cowardly Lion, Simba, and even Brave Heart Lion. Mufasa refuses, on the grounds that he has never been and never will be a secondhand lion. He’s good darn it, and worth more than any other lion out there!! It’s very moving, and touching, and eventually the Cowardly Lion has won his courage, and Simba has regained his kingdom, and Brave Heart Lion gets married to a lovely lioness who is Simba’s cousin. (This is part of the reason why the movie is being shown – It’s part of the bishopric’s plot to help us get married) And all is well, they live happily ever after, and they find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It also has explosions and The Force and Captain Picard, a four way duel between Prince Humperdinck, Wesley, Luke Skywalker, and Darth Vader; and it even includes Harrison Ford and Hugh Jackman for the ladies. It has EVERYTHING you’ll ever want in a movie. So come now for the most romantic, heart-rending, gut busting, fast paced, tender, roller coaster ride action chick flick of our time!!

p.s. The Ward Talent Show is in a few weeks, and Molly in 56 does a very lovely impression of Elvis but is too shy to share – I think we should all encourage her!!

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LEAP YEAR DANCE

This flyer was passed out on Thursday, February 26, 2004

LEAP YEAR DANCE

When: 8-11 p.m. Friday, February 27
Where: Chapel on 100 E. 200 S.--Provo
Queries: Eduardo #30, Traci #41

Hey there all you people in the 76th Ward, as usual we have an activity this week, as unusual, this activity is special. I don’t just mean special as in a TV special, I mean SPECIAL. This activity only happens at most every four years. “What?” you exclaim, “That means...” That’s right...it’s a quadrennial activity!! The Leap Year Dance is a marvelous celebration started by eskimo tribes in Alaska. The eskimos might have had 30 different words to describe snow, but they also had 5 different names for each star. They prided themselves on this knowledge, to the point that it became a custom for the children to learn all of these names and their exact positions by the time they were 4 years old. If a parent were to ask a 5 year old, “What’s the 3rd star up from Basil, and the 6th star to the left of Reebok on the 9th of November at 8:36 p.m.?”, they would expect that child to answer in 2 seconds. And the kids made sure they knew the answers, for those who didn’t would be sent to bed without any whale blubber for dessert that night. This is how greatly they knew astronomy—better even than men of our culture know Simpsons, and even more than women know Friends. Thus they came to realize that years are longer than 365 days by just a smidgeon, and came to adjust their years accordingly so that their knowledge of the positions of the stars would remain constant. When the day that the stars and planets and moons did thus return to the starting positions of their great celestial dance, they leapt for joy inside their igloos for they knew all was well in the world. They realized it was not smart to do so for they did thus bash their heads against solid ice, but they were so happy that care they did not, for this was a moment so glorious that it outweighed the negative effects of a sore head or even a concussion. And so shall we leap for joy this Friday!! We will do many leaping dances, including a Leap Frog Line Dance that Traci and Eduardo have specially designed just for this momentous occasion. It will be done to the tune of “Jump! Jump!” from what I hear. If you don’t come for the sake of tradition, at least come to watch the line dance—which will be a great spectacle to behold!!

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Basketball Tuesday

It's a flyer folks :) read on to enjoy


Basketball Tuesday

When: Tuesday 6:00 P.M.
Where: Stadium Chapel
How: Bounce a ball up and down a court, passing the ball between your teammates, and guarding it from opposing players, while trying to shoot the ball through a region above the hoop, so that it passes through the hoop into the region below, without physically injuring yourself, teammates, or opponents.
Why: Because we like you
Who: All humans, male and female, of the BYU 76th Ward

This is coed basketball. We’ll be dividing you up into teams of 3 or 4, which may include either boys or girls, or perhaps even both. No gambling will occur in this event, nor betting on any games, as to preserve the sanctity of the game, and to ensure that all players will play for the higher purpose of the furthering of the game of Basketball, and not for the lower debasing intent of gaining filthy lucre. Any players caught gambling will be suspended from church ball for life, and shall never be considered for the Hall of Fame.

We beg of you to pardon the lack of facts in this flyer. The administrative officers of the 76th Ward Flyers were extremely swamped with recreational activities with family, friends, and foes, so the usual quality and fact finding performed by them to enhance your knowledge and enrich your overall learning experiences has been sacrificed for the main goal of flyers, which is to inform you of activities. We plead for your forgiveness, and solemnly swear to not shirk our duties in future flyers. If we do so, you may beat all of us with a paper lunch sack. Don’t laugh—paper lunch sacks are scary!!

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Beloved Board Games

One girl in the ward was extremely gullible. She read this flyer, then asked me, "Is that true?" Later on we were on a trip to the Manti temple - we drove right past the temple - it's extremely obvious to stop - big building way up on a hill - then we stopped at a bakery. As we got out, one of us joked, "Do you know where the temple's at? We couldn't find it." "Really? Are you joking?" Great girl honestly - have to love those sorts :)


Beloved Board Games
Time: Thursday, February 5th, 8:00 p.m.
Place: Cinnamon Tree Lounge
Who to call for Queries: Rachel Call #49

Okay folks, time has come once more for the ritual of the weekly activity!! This week’s activity features games. “What sort of games?” I hear you say. “You must have forgotten to read the title up above,” I reply. “↑Look up there↑” Yes, we will be playing all sorts of beloved board games. Usually board games are games that involve boards with playing pieces on top. However, as with all language, the meaning of “board game” has evolved over time to include any small game that can be played indoors with relatively little damage done to the room in which it is played. Damage inflicted usually occurs when the winner completely crushes and destroys the loser. The loser, in an effort to show his joy and elation, happily destroys a wall, light-switch, or the whole board game in celebration of the winner’s victory. The complete destruction of the game only occurs when the victory is so glorious, that it would be considered an insult to the winner for anyone to play on the board which was the setting for such a magnificent competition. I myself have not been the winner during one of these victory celebration rituals, but I have been the loser many a time. Once I was playing chess, and the winner played such a brilliant game that I was beaten in seven moves. I was so overcome by my feelings of joy for my opponent’s winning game that I destroyed his couch, TV, VCR, and then tore the victor’s shirt right off his body.

When I mentioned the above story to the people in charge of the activity, they wanted to discourage such celebrations. They mentioned words like “inappropriate” “out of control” “outrageous” and “immature”. So my guess is that such celebrations of victory committed by the loser on behalf of the winner might be looked down upon by those (Rachel Call) who are in charge. I also suspect the apartment manager won’t be too thrilled. So please refrain from celebrations in such a spirited manner. Now that you have been warned, please come enjoy yourself at the activity!!

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CRACKER WHACK

Originally posted sometime in Februaryish.

CRACKER WHACK
When: THURSDAY-8:10 p.m.
Where: Cinnamon Tree Lounge

Come this Thursday, and you will be introduced to a most ancient and honorable art—the dueling game of Cracker Whack. “What is Cracker Whack?” you ask “Why would I want to whack a cracker? What could possibly be fun about whacking a poor, selfless, humble little saltine cracker?” Yes, a cracker by itself seems quite boring to whack—I should know. I once whacked 360 packages of crackers without stopping, thinking it would be a great diversion. And boy was it!! Man, it felt great, and made me feel important!! To be able to totally crush, maim, and destroy something so completely does wonders for the self esteem. Now—imagine the fun of destroying something with the added challenge, of a cracker moving and dodging your every blow. Once you do that, Whacking Crackers takes on the same feel of hunting large game animals. That’s what Cracker Whack is all about!!

Cracker Whack, like all of our previous activities, is rooted in ancient rituals and customs. It started as a way for Romans to train their children to be better soldiers and fighters. They would take saltine crackers—yes, they had saltine crackers back then, saltines being the most ancient and venerable of staple foods—and use donkey hairs to tie the crackers onto multiple parts of their children’s bodies, these parts being the nose, eyebrows, chin, ears, and each of the pinkie toes. These parts were chosen because the Romans considered them to be points of vulnerability, the most vulnerable being the eyebrows. A man (or woman) who lacked eyebrows was considered to be the lowest of the low in Roman society. All of their greatest leaders had wonderfully bushy eyebrows and men and women with unibrows were considered to have divine ancestry. For this reason, they trained their children to attack these members of the body. After the saltines had been tied on their bodies thus, the children were given rolls of old discarded papyrus, and they proceeded to whack the heck out of those crackers!! This is Cracker Whack!! Modern versions of it are more fast paced—instead of multiple crackers, only one is now used, and it is placed behind the person, on their bum, so as to make it harder to reach. It makes the game more enjoyable for spectators, and is also less costly for the team owners. Modern equipment remains roughly the same, with newspaper now being used in place of papyrus, and a frictionless string has replaced now antiquated donkey hair. So remember the history of Cracker Whack when you come—so even if you don’t appreciate it for the thrill of playing an intense sport, at least come and participate for the sake of learning!!

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